pending Ramello_Bolden [zxvye]

[zxvye]

Ramello_Bolden

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   One day, there was a woman who complained because her stomach hurt, then the woman was brought by her husband to have her stomach checked. It turned out that the woman was about to give birth to a baby, then the woman was taken to the surgery room to give a birth the baby. A few hours later she successfully gave birth to her baby boy. The baby was born in America in the city of El Paso on May 14, 2002 and the baby boy was named Ramello Bolden and called him Mello.

 

    When he got home, Mello's father was very confused because his Hospital fees had not been paid. Then Mello's father borrowed money from one of his friends, after receiving the loan, Mello's father immediately paid the cost of the Hospital payment. Mello was born in a poor family and when Mello's mother gave birth, his father only worked as a street cleaner who  earning easy money. When Mello was 7 years old, Mello's father and mother divorced at that time, Mello who when he was 7 years old could only in his room.

       

    When Mello was 18 years old, Mello booked a plane ticket to moving to Los Santos, when he arrived in Los Santos, Mello became a naughty boy and motorcycle enthusiast. One day, Mello met with his friend, he is drugs and guns dealer. One day, Mello's business was discovered by the FBI, and all of Mello's illegal goods were taken and Mello was detained in prison, since then Mello was very confused and Mello became poor. Since Mello got out of prison, Mello met with his friend that drugs and guns dealer and he ordered Mello to open an ilegal business secretly. Since then Mello has earned quite a lot and his business is everywhere, and Since then, Mello has never been arrested, because he sold it to someone he trusted.

 

 

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Questions

Character Story Pertama: No

Durasi bermain di JG:RP: 1 - 3 bulan

URL Namechange:

https://jogjagamers.org/topic/237976-cn-ricard_delatus-to-ramello_bolden-zxvye/#comment-2308127

 

Account UCP yang saya miliki:
zxvye

 

Account Forum yang saya miliki:

@zxvye

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Saya zxvye selaku pemilik account UCP zxvye bersedia jika Character saya yang disebut di atas (Ramello_Bolden) dibanned permanent jika character story yang saya buat di atas berupa plagiat dari story milik orang lain.

[Northiz]

Under review 

[Northiz]

Sebelum melanjutkan revisi, mohon dijawab pertanyaan di bawah ini:

1. Apakah ini adalah pertama kali kamu membuat Character Story ? (Ya/Tidak)
2. Sudah berapa lama kamu main JG:RP? ( Kurang dari 1 bulan / 1 - 3 bulan / 4 - 6 bulan / 6 bulan - 1 tahun / 1 tahun lebih / 3 tahun lebih / 5 tahun lebih )
3. Apakah character ini baru kamu buat atau baru melakukan prosess Namechange ? (Buat baru/Namechange)
4. Apakah kamu memiliki account UCP selain yang kamu mainkan saat ini? (Ya/Tidak)
5. Apakah kamu memiliki account Forum selain yang kamu pakai saat ini? (Ya/Tidak)
6. Dimana tempat kamu bermain sekarang? (Di rumah / Di warnet)

 

PENTING: Harap diperhatikan ketentuan dibawah ini!

1. Menggunakan font yang mudah dibaca (Arial, Tahoma, atau Verdana). Font size: 14, dan jangan diberikan atribut berlebihan (Bold, Italic, atau Underline)
2. Pastikan format penulisan Justify yaitu rata kanan-kiri menggunakan tombol  pada toolbar di atas.
3. Tidak boleh ada plagiarisme! ( Silahkan cari di internet untuk plagiarism checker, contoh: https://smallseotools.com/plagiarism-checker/ )
4. Ejaan, tanda baca, dan grammar harus sesuai dengan standar bahasa yang dipilih (Bahasa Indonesia atau English).
5. Character story minimal harus memiliki 300 kata yang dipecah menjadi minimal 3 paragraph. 
6. Gunakan huruf kapital sesuai penempatan kata dan juga yang baik dan benar.
7. Untuk mengubah story / cerita character kamu, gunakan feature edit yang sudah disediakan:
   Spoiler

   

    

 

[zxvye]

1 minute ago, juliokasam said:

Sebelum melanjutkan revisi, mohon dijawab pertanyaan di bawah ini:

1. Apakah ini adalah pertama kali kamu membuat Character Story ? (Ya/Tidak)
2. Sudah berapa lama kamu main JG:RP? ( Kurang dari 1 bulan / 1 - 3 bulan / 4 - 6 bulan / 6 bulan - 1 tahun / 1 tahun lebih / 3 tahun lebih / 5 tahun lebih )
3. Apakah character ini baru kamu buat atau baru melakukan prosess Namechange ? (Buat baru/Namechange)
4. Apakah kamu memiliki account UCP selain yang kamu mainkan saat ini? (Ya/Tidak)
5. Apakah kamu memiliki account Forum selain yang kamu pakai saat ini? (Ya/Tidak)
6. Dimana tempat kamu bermain sekarang? (Di rumah / Di warnet)

 

PENTING: Harap diperhatikan ketentuan dibawah ini!

1. Menggunakan font yang mudah dibaca (Arial, Tahoma, atau Verdana). Font size: 14, dan jangan diberikan atribut berlebihan (Bold, Italic, atau Underline)
2. Pastikan format penulisan Justify yaitu rata kanan-kiri menggunakan tombol  pada toolbar di atas.
3. Tidak boleh ada plagiarisme! ( Silahkan cari di internet untuk plagiarism checker, contoh: https://smallseotools.com/plagiarism-checker/ )
4. Ejaan, tanda baca, dan grammar harus sesuai dengan standar bahasa yang dipilih (Bahasa Indonesia atau English).
5. Character story minimal harus memiliki 300 kata yang dipecah menjadi minimal 3 paragraph. 
6. Gunakan huruf kapital sesuai penempatan kata dan juga yang baik dan benar.
7. Untuk mengubah story / cerita character kamu, gunakan feature edit yang sudah disediakan:
     Hide contents

   

    

 

1. Apakah ini adalah pertama kali kamu membuat Character Story ?  Tidak
2. Sudah berapa lama kamu main JG:RP? 1-3 bulan
3. Apakah character ini baru kamu buat atau baru melakukan prosess Namechange ? Namechange
4. Apakah kamu memiliki account UCP selain yang kamu mainkan saat ini? Tidak
5. Apakah kamu memiliki account Forum selain yang kamu pakai saat ini? Tidak
6. Dimana tempat kamu bermain sekarang? Di rumah

[Northiz]

I have an advice to revising some mistakes in  your character story and a demand, specifically the following:

1. Character Story is using Past Perfect Tense / Past Tense, because there telling the tales in previously your character established. So, I prompting you to fix your grammar.
2. Honesty is an invaluable to trait, please utter all of your UCP accounts in the past until now that you use.

[zxvye]

31 minutes ago, juliokasam said:

I have an advice to revising some mistakes in  your character story and a demand, specifically the following:

1. Character Story is using Past Perfect Tense / Past Tense, because there telling the tales in previously your character established. So, I prompting you to fix your grammar.
2. Honesty is an invaluable to trait, please utter all of your UCP accounts in the past until now that you use.

Saya hanya memiliki ucp yang zxvye min, selebihnya saya gatau, dan bisa di bilang juga saya belom terlalu lama bermain Roleplay di Samp.

31 minutes ago, juliokasam said:

I have an advice to revising some mistakes in  your character story and a demand, specifically the following:

1. Character Story is using Past Perfect Tense / Past Tense, because there telling the tales in previously your character established. So, I prompting you to fix your grammar.
2. Honesty is an invaluable to trait, please utter all of your UCP accounts in the past until now that you use.

Untuk yang revisi, revisi yang mana ya min? apa harus buat ulang?

 

[Northiz]

4 hours ago, zxvye said:

apa harus buat ulang?

Enggak dibuat ulang, cuman kamu edit dan revisi aja kalimat Character Story.

Character Story itu dibuat menurut masa lalu karakter kamu, namanya juga cerita, dan bilamana kalau kamu menggunakan Bahasa Inggris, kamu harus mengikuti rumus Past Tense, bukan asal buat saja. Baik ada beberapa kalimat yang harus kamu perbaiki, yaitu:

 

21 hours ago, zxvye said:

One day Mello meets his friend and he starts an illegal business

Ini adalah Simple Tense, tolong buat jadi Past Tense.

 

21 hours ago, zxvye said:

from then on Mello has never been caught by the Police again because he only sells his illegal goods to people he trusts.

Ini juga Simple Tense di akhir kalimat, buat jadi Past Tense.

[zxvye]

48 minutes ago, juliokasam said:

Enggak dibuat ulang, cuman kamu edit dan revisi aja kalimat Character Story.

Character Story itu dibuat menurut masa lalu karakter kamu, namanya juga cerita, dan bilamana kalau kamu menggunakan Bahasa Inggris, kamu harus mengikuti rumus Past Tense, bukan asal buat saja. Baik ada beberapa kalimat yang harus kamu perbaiki, yaitu:

 

Ini adalah Simple Tense, tolong buat jadi Past Tense.

 

Ini juga Simple Tense di akhir kalimat, buat jadi Past Tense.

periksa lagi min

[Northiz]

These are some sentences that must be changed:

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

...then the woman was taken to the operating room to deliver the baby. A few hours later the woman successfully gave...

Then she was taken the surgery room to give a birth the baby. A few hours later she successfully.

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

...Mello's father immediately paid the cost of giving birth at the Hospital...

Immediately paid the cost of the Hospital payment

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

...worked as a street cleaner who made little money...

Street cleaner who earning easy money

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

...Mello's father and mother separated at that time, Mello who when he was 7 years old could only cry in his room...

Mello's father and mother divorced at that time, when he was 7 years old could only crying in his room.

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

...plane ticket to move to Los Santos, when...

plane ticket to moving to Los Santos

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

...became a naughty boy and liked motorcycles. One day...

motorcycle enthusiast

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

One day, Mello meet with friend, he selling cocaine and guns

met with his friend, he is drugs and guns dealer

 

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

After Mello gets out of prison, Mello meets someone and invites Mello to open another illegal business in secret.

Kalimat ini ganti ke Past Tense.

[zxvye]

3 hours ago, juliokasam said:

These are some sentences that must be changed:

 

Then she was taken the surgery room to give a birth the baby. A few hours later she successfully.

 

Immediately paid the cost of the Hospital payment

 

Street cleaner who earning easy money

 

Mello's father and mother divorced at that time, when he was 7 years old could only crying in his room.

 

plane ticket to moving to Los Santos

 

motorcycle enthusiast

 

met with his friend, he is drugs and guns dealer

 

Kalimat ini ganti ke Past Tense.

Sudah saya ganti min

[Northiz]

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

Ever since Mello get out of prison, Mello met with his drugs and guns dealer and he orders Mello to open an ilegal business with scret

Ganti jadi:

Since Mello got out of prison, Mello met with his friend that drugs and guns dealer and he ordered Mello to open an ilegal business secretly.

 

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Beri tanda titik (.) pada akhir kalimat di paragraf terakhir

 

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Jawab dengan jujur, UCP DomWilson adalah milik siapa?

[zxvye]

9 hours ago, juliokasam said:

Ganti jadi:

Since Mello got out of prison, Mello met with his friend that drugs and guns dealer and he ordered Mello to open an ilegal business secretly.

 

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Beri tanda titik (,) pada akhir kalimat di paragraf terakhir

 

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Jawab dengan jujur, UCP DomWilson adalah milik siapa?

Edited min, saya tidak tahu itu UCP siapa, saya hanya mempunyai 1 UCP zxvye saja min, selebihnya tidak tau

[Northiz]

On 10/7/2022 at 6:07 PM, zxvye said:

business secretly. . Since then Mello has

Tolong perbaiki.

[zxvye]

4 hours ago, juliokasam said:

Tolong perbaiki.

udah min

[Northiz]

Terakhir, setiap paragraf yang menjorok ke dalam, harusnya di sama ratakan dari paragraf pertama sampai terakhir. Maksudnya, jumlah spasi pada setiap awal paragraf haruslah sama.